I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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