I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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