Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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