I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
