My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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