he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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