I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
