I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
