we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
