Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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