Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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