He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
