So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
