He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
