its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
