She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
