you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
You're like the curious george of whores
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
