Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize