Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
is wine microwaveable?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
