The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
