you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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