Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
