Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
