Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
