sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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