Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
