they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
