This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
