My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
