i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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