Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
