i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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