i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
