Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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