He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
