What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
