Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
