Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
