He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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