Slut skills are useful in every country.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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