i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
