I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
