I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
