hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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