im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Did I show you my penis last night?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
