You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
