Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
