One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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