I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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