I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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