cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
