M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
