We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
