"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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